"Why yes, there are dried peas in my hair. Thank you for pointing that out."

Once you start feeding your precious little one solid foods, there are a few things you should be aware of. There will be days that you and baby both get covered head to toe in strained peas. There will days when your baby adamantly refuses to open that mouth no matter how many airplane noises you use. There will be days when that whole bowl of oatmeal ends up on the floor/wall/your shirt/your head. Invest in plenty of bibs, burp cloths, and ratty onesies and t-shirts that can get smeared with prunes. Also keep a box of wipes on the table so you can clean as you go.

Mason enjoying some carrots!

As messy as it can get, feeding your little one can be very fun. Make sure to take lots of pictures that you can whip out at opportune times later in life, such as the first date ;)

10 Things Every Mom Must Know!

These are 10 things I wish someone had told me. Things I had to learn the hard way. Things that need to be written in the "How to Keep Your Infant Alive Manual".

10. ALWAYS BRING THE DIAPER BAG!!!

• Even if you're just "going down the street for 5 minutes" always bring the diaper bag. A blowout (we all know what that is) could happen at any time. Wipes, diapers and an extra change of clothes are essential diaper bag items. No one wants to wrap baby up in the classified section.

9.NEVER ASSUME YOUR BABY IS DONE POOPING!!!

• Sometimes your baby will push and grunt and grunt and push then act like "Hey Mom! My butt is ready to get clean now!". Then whilst changing your little bundle of joy they start making the face. The "I'm about to shit all over your hand" face. Then it happens. Right when you're wiping that cute little tush. Always wait until they are ABSOLUTELY done.

8. INVEST IN A SMARTPHONE!!!

• There are so many reasons why you should do this it should be a post of its own. When it's 2 a.m and your feeding your little one, let's face it, it can get boring. Sure maybe the first week you'll stare down at your miracle in awe and wonder but after awhile, once the sleep deprivation kicks in, you need SOMETHING to do. I mean, the little one is in a milk coma so why not browse Facebook or your favorite mommy blog (ahem)?

7. SCREW DIRTY LOOKS

• When you're in the grocery store, or any public place, chances are that at one point in time your little sweetie is going to have a meltdown. And when this happens don't get embarrassed, don't apologize, and for heaven's sake do NOT leave $300 worth of groceries in the middle of the store and run home with your tail between your legs. Instead do whatever it takes to calm your sweetie down, grab a gallon of your favorite ice cream (you deserve it) and just smile at all the stuck up jerks who sneer at you. Everyone was a baby once and all those snobs probably did the same thing to their mothers.

6. IT'S JUST POOP...

• I honestly have no idea why mothers are so OBSESSED with baby poop. I mean some mommies even keep "Poopie Journals". When did baby poop? What color was it? Was is runny? Blah blah blah. As long as your baby is pooping and is consistent about it then that's pretty much all you need to know. There are very few reason's why you should fret over feces and here they are: 
• if the poop is red (blood), black (digested blood) or white (could be a liver problem), other than that poo comes in every color of the rainbow, including purple, yellow and avocado green.
• if the poo is crumbly or mucusy then your lil babe is constipated or sick
• if baby hasn't pooped all week (as in 7 days not 4) then he/she might be blocked up

         Other than those reasons DO NOT STRESS about poop!

5. HATERS GONNA BITCH, BITCHES GONNA HATE

• No matter what, at some point in your pregnancy and the 18 plus years you raise your child, you will receive unwanted criticism regarding your parenting skills. Whether it be your sweet and well meaning, yet annoying and overbearing mother in law or a strange old lady in the grocery store whenever you get unwanted advice just take it with a smile and ignore it completely. When it comes to criticism almost everyone will have something to say. "WHAT? You don't wipe Gigi's tushy with all organic baby rabbit fur? What neglect." Just smile and nod and throw it back at 'em. "Why no we don't. Gigi's ass is only wiped with the finest unicorn hide, of course." Let the haters bitch and the bitches hate.

4. TV IS NOT ALWAYS YOUR ENEMY

• When your baby is first born you may promise to yourself and swear up and down to your friends that you're never going to let your baby watch TV. And while that is a lovely ideal to uphold it is NOT always possible. Some days you NEED the TV. Like the day when you've been puked on twice, the plumber STILL hasn't showed up, you need to shower and eat and your little one is practically glued to your seat. These are the times when the electric nanny can help you. Plop baby down on a blankie, turn on something remotely educational and for goodness sakes EAT SOME DAMN BREAKFAST!!! Your baby can gaze at all the pretty colors and you can get your blood sugar levels off the floor. 

3. TEETH DO NOT COME OVERNIGHT.

• At first when your baby starts teething it's like "Oh how cute, he wants to eat everything!". All too quickly it turns into "DO NOT PUT THAT IN YOUR MO...too late." Be prepared to fight through months of restlessness, soaked shirts, everything going into the mouth and the saddest little faces you've ever seen. Sometimes a baby will have one rough night and VOILA a tooth! But some babies, like my own 5 month old, will teethe for months with no little pearly whites popping through. Hopefully one day soon I'll see a tooth and be able to take off my drool covered rain poncho...

2. DO NOT SPLURGE, GO OVERBOARD, OR BUY EVERY CUTE THING YOU SEE!!!

• Even though newborn size clothes are the cutest thing in the world, besides your newborn baby, they are nearly useless money traps. Your baby will grow so fast only about half of those outfits will be worn. During the first month you are going to be so tired your baby will most likely lay about in onesies or pj's ALL DAY LONG! Unless you plan on changing your baby's clothes seven hundred times per day then they most likely will never wear all those clothes. Also do not spend a million dollars on tons of brand new clothes and toys, you can find cute, clean and cheap stuff at thrift stores.Save money and put it in the college/margarita fund instead

1. WIPE WARMERS ARE USELESS!

• My son hated getting his diaper changed during the first 2 months of his life. As soon as that cold wipe touched his little tush he would wail and wail. I looked into buying a wipe warmer but they were $15 and up! WHY??? That was ridiculous! I knew he would get used to it eventually but in the mean time I just threw some wipes in a plastic baggie, popped em in the microwave and zapped em for 5 seconds. PERFECT! So please do not waste your money on this useless, unnecessary piece of shit.

So fellow parents of the cyber world please pass this list on to any new or expecting parents to help them keep your sanity and feel free to add comments on what YOU think every mom should know. :)

"You're doing what?"

So this here is my Mommy blog. This is where I shall vent, spew advice, ask for advice and brag during the journey of motherhood. This is my first time on the Mommy road. I have a five month old son named Mason Alexander who is light of my life. He is one of the silliest babies I have ever met and is cuter than anything. I hope I don't mess this kid up!


A cautionary word. This blog will not be peaches and cream all the time. There will be no sugarcoating. I'm going to keep it as real as I can, which means there might be some TMI, some coarse language, and not everyone is going to agree with my parenting style. So if you're a stuck up, close minded, and overall opinionated bitch then this might not be the best place for you :)